- Monday, November 16, 2009 -
*deep breath*
Today will mark the beginning of a very long and harrowing journey, not just for me, but for many others as well.
I feel very lucky, but at the same time I also feel kind of scared. (Mostly the scared part though.)
Well, it's not something I can put into words, so let's just forget about it. My words would just get all jumbled up, and no one would understand it anyway.
I guess I would have to say that I'm scared in a very bad way. I don't know why. Don't ask me why. I'm afraid that even after this, that even through this, I will still be lousy and I won't be as good as I'm supposed to be, as good as I want to be. This thought is very frightening.
I wonder if I can make it through this... I want to do my best, but at the same time there's this horrible twisting feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nerves, maybe. It's just that... what if I can't do it anymore? Would it be too dangerous of me to let myself do this again, after taking so much pain just to put it down?
I must not think this way!!!
Think of the end, think of before. Was it not I who said all those things? Was it not I who wanted, more than anything, to see the sec 2s become NCOs, and the sec 3s become Staff Sergeants?
But then again, they can still do it, with or without me there. I wanted to tell them how much I loved being there, doing all these things. But now, I don't know if my passion is still there any more. And to lose this passion, after such a sacrifice has been made... After going through all that...
I'm just so horrible. If not for myself, then do it for all those people who thought that I could do it, even for that very brief moment. And do it for that me that seemed so long ago, the me that actually believed.
I wanted so very much to do this, a few months ago. But now, I just don't know any more.
Oh, guess what! Gokusen: The Movie is coming out!! It doesn't have Matsumoto Jun (aka Sawada Shin) but it does have Oguri Shun (who isn't exactly playing a major role) but still!! I wanna watch it! >.<
Aaaand that's the end!
No, really.
Why are you still reading?
I could really use that trip to the beach right about now...
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 5:25 PM
- Friday, November 13, 2009 -
Mustn't waste money...
These few days have been somewhat muted. The weather has been good: rain, rain, rain, which makes for wonderfully cooling days as well as nights.
I feel like going to the beach, and standing on one of those big rocks (where everyone throws rubbish in the cracks) and screaming really, really loud so everyone stares. And then I'll just jump off into the clear blue water and swim as far and fast as I like. Wouldn't that be just peachy?
Except that the sea water in Singapore is far from clear and blue, I might actually crack my head open on those rocks at the shore, and even if I didn't, people might call the police because they probably think I'm nuts or suicidal or both. Thought I'm willing to bet that the Bystander Effect might occur, in which I might either swim to the sea of Malaysia or die bleeding ten feet from the shore before anyone even realises.
Home (or should I say house) is a War Zone right now. Half of it is my fault I suppose... the other half due to the circumstances that I can't control (though both are blamed on me). I guess I can't really do anything about it, it's like a volcano, no idea when it will erupt again.
Well... not really in a mood to elaborate. Feel like burying myself in a hole.
And I still feel like drinking coffee.
What do you want me to do about it? I don't know... it's all my fault, for being so selfish, after all... I didn't mean for it to turn out this way. Maybe I should just give up, maybe I should just let someone else go.
I sure as hell don't deserve to.
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 7:44 PM
- Wednesday, November 11, 2009 -
Finally, finally, finally!!
I suppose I should be feeling super hyper or something, but right now, I just have this great sense of relief, like a big burden has been lifted but yet I can still feel the ache.
Oh, and I'm using my brand-new/old laptop to type this!! My sister gave me her old one, and though it makes a few funny noises, overall, it's pretty cool :D
Probably, the strange feeling I'm getting is due to the current circumstances. (Actually it's most definitely, not just probably)
Anyway, BEST OF LUCK to all those who still have papers!!
Ah, I've missed typing here so. I have this sudden urge to write. Or play piano. Or both. But it's night now, so the most I can do is the former (unless I want angry neighbours throwing their shoes at me).
My holidays are probably going to be busy though. I can't say I mind, I like it that way. Anyway, I start work on the 17th, thank god my hours are flexible.
Hmm... I don't really have much to say...
Oh well! Since a picture is worth a thousand words, then this video should be like, a trillion, right? Make sure you watch it, dear blog readers, it's definitely funny :D
Ja, until next time!
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 8:21 PM
- Wednesday, October 21, 2009 -
Hope I don't screw it up :(
加油, Add Oil, Ganbatte, everybody, let's gogogo!!!
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 9:21 PM
- Tuesday, October 20, 2009 -
I wish, more than ever, that you would stop this. Stop being nice to me and then turning around to make me feel bad the next. Are you my friend or not? Can I trust you or not? I just want to study, and not think about this anymore.
It really hurts... This is why, more than ever, I begin to hate people...
When I'm asked, "What's the matter?", I just shake my head and say "Un, nothing!"
But I wonder...
How many more days like this, do I have left with you?
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 8:06 PM
- Monday, October 19, 2009 -
Cleaning my rifle, dreaming of youuu!!!
I have only five minutes to type this out. So yeah. Forgive any typos.
Today, went to study at airport with Jaime and Jong. Productivity level - 96% (minus 2 % because of the time I got bored and purposely took a fifteen minute walk with Jong, and minus 2 % when I went to look in the bookstore)
O LEVELS ARE COMINGGGG
I haven't really touched my sciences much yet. Still got a little bit of Humanities left. So once I finish that, it will be Science and Math all the way.
So right now, my studies are priority. But if there's any emergency that needs to be solved, don't worry! Cuz I'm on STANDBY mode, yeah? Haha.
Ummm.....
I forgot what I was going to say!!!
And I'm out of time.
Ah well.
OH WAIT I KNOW
In honour of my post number 444, a ARASHI song (from the album that my triplet gave me XD) :
Kaze No Muko E
Hmm. I shall take some time to type this very small bit out.
In truth, I don't like the way you are doing things. But that's just me, and I never said anything because it doesn't matter. Everybody has their own way of doing things, maybe yours will be better than mine, who knows? I just like my way. Plus I never said there was anything wrong with yours, so what's up with you saying that I was wrong? -_-
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 7:56 PM
- Friday, October 16, 2009 -
Well, for all the sec 4's anyway. After this will be O levels, and then GRADUATION, here we comeee~
I'm saying this to comfort everyone because it seems like half the world is having holidays as their exams are over, but ours are just beginning >.< Never mind!! You wait!! They'll be taking O levels soon too (gosh I'm mean) but by then we'll probably be preparing for A levels or something even harder :X
Today, in a fit of high-ness, 4e2'09 'decorated' our classroom, and even our teachers joined in! I have the pictures, but shall not say what we did, it's for the next class who has our classroom to find out ^o^ Hohohoho! All of us are nuts and lovin' it!
I guess I'm really going to miss BV after all. Four years passed so fast, parting is a part of life, but why does it always have to be so sad?
Anyway, I wanted to just give a big THANK YOU and free hugs (courtesy of Yayah, XD) to all the people who have helped shape my life in BV:
*NPCC NCOs of 2006-2009 (especially my squadmates) and the CIs and TOs of BV NPCC*
I just looooove these people! Without them, my life definitely wouldn't be the same. I've changed a lot since sec 1, most of it is due to them. From a shy and quiet sec 1 geek (don't laugh, it's true) to the person I am now (a geek and still a bookworm, but at least a noisy one XD), none of it would be possible wihout these people.
*1e4'06, 2e4'07, 3e2'08, 4e2'09 and all their teachers *
I will never forget how nutty each and everyone of us can actually be. Even the teachers! Mrs Cheong for always digressing, Miss Chia for always treating us to McDonalds :P, Miss Koh for offering us the Always Pass Up Homework Deal, the list goes on and on.
And of course, where would I be without Jong to poke me in class, Shermin to stare at me, Ah Gwee to yell at me and go "Oiiii!", Aqilah to do the can-can with, Jaime to say "Hey!" to my "What's the big idea?!", Hou Ping to bug to teach me Math, etc etc etc, the list goes on and on and I could name at least a thousand people but then we'd be here all night.
WE'RE UPSIDE DOWN NUTS AND PROUD OF IT!!!
I meant to thank a lot more people but I can't make this a too long post, I have to go study :P
And also, Tweet and I want to go for the Kayaking course, which is like two days, but six hours at a time! ZOMG. I will probably become a black charcoal when I'm done with it , wonder if anyone will still recognise me? XD
Ending off with a picture of my super cute pancake from October 7, (Wednesday) post:
IT'S SO CUTE RIGHT!!! Say it's cute (or I'll poke you until you do!) I was so sad when I had to eat it >.<
~Aluminia Holokauston~ 9:20 PM
